Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Monster Face

Get lost, Monster Face. Coming round here with your pitiful monster face. Why don’t you go over there instead? To the Monster Face Symposium, where:

Over a period of three days, Monster Faces of all nationalities, ilks and bents, will come together in order to not only take part in moderated debate and discussion but also to mingle with like-minded horrors, free from the brickbatted penny arcadism of the outside world. Monster-Faced delegates, adorned with badges, sashes and other identifying thingies, will be at the centre of a wider national and international push to get Monster-Faceism back on the agenda. In that sense, the Symposium will be a deeply political affair. However, the organisers have gone to great lengths to ensure that, at the same time, it will all be delivered in a light-hearted fashion – as demonstrated by the amount of frivolous entertainment and nonsense that will also be on offer.

Such as:

Monster Face Painting.
Your chance to see how fabulous you’d look if only you didn’t possess such a hideous monster face. Real human colours painted by real human people. Smile in sadness and wet yourself in wonder!

Raging Full On.
Press your monster face against the rusted iron bars of a makeshift gaol window while waving your fists at the flaming torch-carrying peasants outside. Unmissable fun for all the family!

The Bride Stripped Bare.
Who’s that in there, dressed all in white, as virginal as the newly fallen snow? Why, it’s the Burgomeister’s daughter! What are you waiting for? Jump out on her, watch her swoon from fright and then touch her up a bit while gazing lovingly at her gorgeous, non-monstrous face!

Monster Mash-Up.
That werewolf’s been calling you names again. And he reckons he’d be able to do you in a fight, any time. You’re not going to stand for that, surely? Go on, mash him up. Mash him up good!

Mary the Monster’s Friend.
Misunderstood? Sensitive? Book not like the cover? That’s you! So why not show the world your ‘human side’ by playing a variety of stupid games with ten-year-old Mary Pigtails? Skipping. Hide and seek. Helicopters. Daisy chains. Floating boats. All these great games and more. Guaranteed to prove to everyone that there’s much more to you than simply a murderous gathering of pointless, hairy rage.

9 Comments:

Blogger Molly Bloom said...

Reminiscent of King Lear's desperate words: 'I will do such things...I know not what they are!'

Reminds me of all the spiteful words we want to say to each other sometimes but keep hidden. Wouldn't it just be great to send all of the people we hate to one great hate Symposium. Maybe the whole world of Monster Faces would implode! I just hope my face doesn't change in private!

But doesn't having a sense of hate and bitterness keep us all going? That's why it's good to keep a catalogue of monsterfaces in your head to provide a menu of hate over which you can pore in order to pick, with relish, someone to lash out at!

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