Monday, January 16, 2006

New Year, New Start

Hello Mr Cheesy

I saw your ad there in the paper and decided it would be best for you if you were to take me on to fill the position of Senior Sales Manager at your company. I have many years in experience and I’m a dedicated worker who has many friends here and there, both on and off the dancefloor, so to speak. In fact, if ever you were to come to my house I could show you all my letters, logged telephone calls and emails from all my friends, colleagues and acquaintances testifying to what a superb individual I am and how I have made their lives so much more the pleasurable.

In my past years I have done every kind of job imaginable. I bet you can’t think of a job I haven’t done. Go on, I challenge you. Turtle Scraper? Yep. Bender of Tubes? Absolutely. Curly of the Tongs? Definitely. Beeswax Bruiser? You can bet your life on it. Cash Cow? That was me too! As you can see then Mr Cheesy, I have much experience in all kinds of varied fields. As I intimated earlier, you’d have to be something of a masher not to take me on.

I was at school from the age of five to fifteen. I didn’t go to college or university or any of those places because I believe that education begins and ends in my own mind. If I want to know something I just think of it. And then I know it. In short, I can have experience and skills in anything you want me to have skills and experience in. Yes.

I know I would be a boon to your company. I mean, let’s face it, compared to some of the rubbish you have working there, I would shine like a sparkling diamond that’s just had a powerful torch pointed straight at it. It would take me no time at all to expose the rest of your staff for the dullards they truly are. Which is to say that if you give me a chance, Mr Cheesy, I will do everything I can to ingratiate myself with you by way of belittling, humiliating and pouring scorn on every other person in the company. I am particularly adept at picking on office juniors, women and older members of staff who are no longer the full ticket. If you have any disabled members of staff – all the better!

I am currently employed by Milquetoast Marketing as a Senior Finger Licker. I have been doing this job now for almost thirteen years and, really, it’s time for me to have a change. But please, don’t get me wrong - I enjoy Finger Licking as much as the next man. It is not a career I would just give up on a whim. No sir. Meaning, of course, that I believe the job you are advertising is of such high calibre and importance that I would be prepared to abandon my true calling as a Finger Licker.

Please Mr Cheesy, Mr Cheesy please. Please give me a chance by agreeing to take me on. You would sure fulfil my dreams if you did!


Diddley Dave


Blogger Molly Bloom said...

This really did make me smile. Playful, fun and truly sparky! I like the way that it is different to the other pieces, bouncy and full of joy with a lot of sarcasm thrown in too.

I wouldn't hesitate to give you the next available seat as Senior Sales Manager (with a particularly nice partition to peer over) and a cork (maybe coloured cork) noticeboard coloured blue, if I received a letter like this! Optional pen-holder and stapler available on request.

Love the glee of it, Paul! Oh, don't stop writing! Please don't. You bring us such joy!
Afterthought: I wonder what 'turtle scraping' involves?? Sounds a bit painful!

6:44 PM  
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