Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Standing Up Like Steam

Who’s this with his broken nose, his flat feet, his cauliflower ears, his closed eyes, his cracked chin, his receding hairline, his burnt-off eyebrows, his knock-knees, his fallen arches, his bandy legs, his swivel hips, his one small ball, his Reynard fox, his boiling breath, his barnacled kidneys, his gap-toothed gums, his leaking belly button, his stalactite bladder, his stolen nose, his shrivelled nipples, his big Adam’s Apple, his tennis elbow, his galling stones, his typist’s wrist, his big fat tongue, his turning prostate, his honeypot fat, his Bluto shingles, his broken back, his spaceship teeth, his useless knob, his snapped neck, his ingrown toenail? Who is he, this specimen of a fine, fine fellow?

He’s a dappled, crippled version of you. Only slightly more attractive.

So he is. Bring him closer so I can get a better look. Does he sing?

I’ve no idea.

As a younger man I was known far and wide for my superb culinary skills. I was a member of all the choirs you know.

Culinary skills?


You said culinary skills. When you were talking about singing.

Did I?


How silly of me. I do apologise.

That’s okay.

But where was I?


Oh yes. I joined all of the choirs. I was very much in demand. I once sang for the Queen. At Sandhurst.

I didn’t know you were at Sandhurst.

It’s how I came to be so crippled and twisted. And it’s when I turned into this fellow here.

Is that right?

Actually, now I come to think of it - no. No, it’s not. I’ve never seen this fellow before in my life. Who is he again?

A dappled, crippled version of you. Only more attractive.

Are you sure? I mean, dash it - I suppose he does look a little like me around the eyes, but I really don’t see the resemblance beyond that.

You have to look closer. And smell closer.

Smell closer?

Yes. That’s shit you can smell.

Is it?



You know, of course, what I'm getting at?

That I too smell of shit?



And not just smell of it. You’ve got it caked around your arse again haven’t you?


So has he.

Has he? Oh, yes, I see. That’s properly caked in, isn’t it? Properly dry.

It is. There’s years of work gone into that. Years of craftsmanship. You don’t get caked in shit like that without working at it. Just look at those intricate patterns. I tell you, he could teach that Chris Offli a thing or two.


Chris Offli. Ofili. Whatever he's called. He paints with elephant dung.

Elephant dung?


What on earth for?



Anonymous Shannon said...

...And then there's those times where the pictures you can paint are quite disturbing, all the more so for how inventive your descriptions are. Leaking belly buttons indeed. I like the galling stones though.

4:44 PM  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

I think that this and the doughnut story are really great. Really clever and fun too. I love the way that the scenes change too from the doughnut store to the beach.

12:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really amazing! Useful information. All the best.

12:50 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

michael kors pas cher, polo outlet, longchamp outlet, jordan pas cher, christian louboutin, ray ban sunglasses, nike free, ray ban sunglasses, louboutin pas cher, christian louboutin uk, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin shoes, ugg boots, air max, oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, tiffany jewelry, replica watches, tory burch outlet, gucci handbags, longchamp outlet, prada handbags, louis vuitton outlet, nike free run, ugg boots, christian louboutin outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, louis vuitton outlet, nike outlet, chanel handbags, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, replica watches, polo ralph lauren outlet online, kate spade outlet, oakley sunglasses wholesale, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, nike air max, nike roshe, nike air max, polo ralph lauren, sac longchamp pas cher

7:13 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

kate spade, coach purses, mulberry uk, vans pas cher, new balance, true religion outlet, uggs outlet, nike air max uk, nike blazer pas cher, nike free uk, sac hermes, hollister uk, guess pas cher, michael kors outlet, oakley pas cher, burberry outlet, converse pas cher, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, nike air max, abercrombie and fitch uk, true religion outlet, north face, ralph lauren uk, michael kors outlet online, michael kors, nike tn, hogan outlet, nike roshe run uk, lululemon canada, ray ban uk, true religion outlet, ray ban pas cher, nike air force, coach outlet, true religion jeans, hollister pas cher, polo lacoste, coach outlet store online, burberry handbags, sac vanessa bruno, michael kors outlet online, timberland pas cher, michael kors, nike air max uk, north face uk, replica handbags

7:17 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

north face outlet, gucci, jimmy choo outlet, celine handbags, longchamp uk, nike air max, hermes belt, lululemon, herve leger, bottega veneta, reebok outlet, nike roshe run, vans, iphone cases, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mac cosmetics, mcm handbags, timberland boots, ferragamo shoes, oakley, mont blanc pens, babyliss, converse, nike huaraches, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, soccer jerseys, p90x workout, beats by dre, hollister, chi flat iron, ghd hair, instyler, baseball bats, converse outlet, ray ban, valentino shoes, nike trainers uk, hollister, nike air max, new balance shoes, north face outlet, hollister clothing, abercrombie and fitch, vans outlet, ralph lauren, giuseppe zanotti outlet, louboutin, insanity workout

7:22 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

thomas sabo, replica watches, moncler uk, hollister, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, barbour, canada goose jackets, swarovski, moncler outlet, canada goose, coach outlet, swarovski crystal, canada goose outlet, barbour uk, supra shoes, moncler, lancel, links of london, canada goose outlet, moncler, karen millen uk, moncler, louis vuitton, doudoune moncler, ugg uk, canada goose outlet, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, ugg, louis vuitton, canada goose, pandora jewelry, moncler, toms shoes, ugg pas cher, marc jacobs, louis vuitton, montre pas cher, wedding dresses, canada goose, pandora jewelry, louis vuitton, juicy couture outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, pandora uk, pandora charms

7:27 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home