Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Lepers and Heads

My girlfriend left me. I was very sad and felt a little bit destitute. There were things I wanted to do to her that I never got round to doing to her.

Luckily for me, she died soon after she left. She fell in front of a train. For a brief moment I was very sad. But I quickly cheered up when I realised it meant she could never be with anybody else.

My ex-girlfriend once took a walk in the park and I secretly followed her. I watched her as she stroked a dog, as she skipped over the little humpback bridge, as she bought an ice-cream from the ice-cream van, as she picked daisies and made a daisy chain, as she smoked a cigarette, as she had sex with a stranger in the bushes. Later, when she returned home, I asked her why she did what she did. She said she did it because, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t give up smoking.

My ex-girlfriend was always whining about this, moaning about that. I used to tell her to shut up but she never shut up. So I locked her in the cellar. The acoustics down there made her whining and moaning sing out even louder. So I covered the walls with egg boxes and sofa foam. And wired her big mouth shut with a couple of coat hangers.

My ex-girlfriend’s mother told me she thought I treated her daughter very badly. How do you mean? I asked. Well, she said, look how you’ve nailed her feet to the kitchen floor - they’re all askew.

My ex-girlfriend told her friends that I was a fantasist with a morbid fixation on death and torture. She told them that I beat her every day with a red hot poker. She showed them the bruises and the burn marks. But whenever they came round to see her I was always extremely charming. So charming, in fact, that they came to believe that it was my ex-girlfriend who was the fantasist with the morbid fixation on death and torture.

My ex-girlfriend was one of those pagan white witches. When they came to take her away I pleaded her innocence. So they threw her in the pond and watched her drown. After they left I dragged her out with a curtain pole. What they didn’t know was that she was extremely good at holding her breath.

My ex-girlfriend loved puppies and flowers and chocolates and clothes and perfume. So I kept them from her. Instead I gave her kittens, weeds and carrots. And then made her walk around naked while I sprayed her with liquid feculence.

My ex-girlfriend claimed she was a very spiritual person. How’s that? I asked. Because I listen to the wind, dance to the music in my mind, feel the energy of others and know I am an integral part of the great cycle of the universal destiny where one day my soul will transcend my mortal frame and ascend to a higher plane where, at last, I will complete myself by bathing in the cosmic water of life. Come again, I said, I didn’t quite catch that.

My ex-girlfriend was always accusing me of being a misogynist. I told her that the fact of her being a woman made no difference to the way I treated her. Even if she were a man - my gay male lover - I would still treat her like my slave, like my whore, like my mother.

My ex-girlfriend told me that, although she didn’t condone the actions of suicide bombers, she sort of understood why they did it. After I punched her in the face I asked her to sort of understand why I did it.

10 Comments:

Anonymous The ex-girlfriend said...

I think you put this on the wrong blog, Paul. It's rightful place is under 'non-fictions'. I should know.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Hannah Pan said...

This one has a Dan Rhodes-to-the-extreme feel about it. Which is lucky, because it means you can get away with it. Gruesome, but with humour. Particularly the conspiratory mother and friends.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

In my current mood, I'd quite like to seriously beat a few women too. Have you got any spare coat-hangers?

Very dry and full of humour, especially the 'come again' part. Heh, heh.

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wonderful and informative web site. I used information from that site its great. »

8:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You have an outstanding good and well structured site. I enjoyed browsing through it » »

9:25 PM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

michael kors pas cher, polo outlet, longchamp outlet, jordan pas cher, christian louboutin, ray ban sunglasses, nike free, ray ban sunglasses, louboutin pas cher, christian louboutin uk, ray ban sunglasses, christian louboutin shoes, ugg boots, air max, oakley sunglasses, louis vuitton, louis vuitton outlet, uggs on sale, tiffany jewelry, replica watches, tory burch outlet, gucci handbags, longchamp outlet, prada handbags, louis vuitton outlet, nike free run, ugg boots, christian louboutin outlet, cheap oakley sunglasses, jordan shoes, louis vuitton outlet, nike outlet, chanel handbags, longchamp outlet, prada outlet, tiffany and co, louis vuitton, oakley sunglasses, replica watches, polo ralph lauren outlet online, kate spade outlet, oakley sunglasses wholesale, longchamp pas cher, burberry pas cher, nike air max, nike roshe, nike air max, polo ralph lauren, sac longchamp pas cher

7:33 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

kate spade, coach purses, mulberry uk, vans pas cher, new balance, true religion outlet, uggs outlet, nike air max uk, nike blazer pas cher, nike free uk, sac hermes, hollister uk, guess pas cher, michael kors outlet, oakley pas cher, burberry outlet, converse pas cher, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet, michael kors outlet online, michael kors outlet online, nike air max, abercrombie and fitch uk, true religion outlet, north face, ralph lauren uk, michael kors outlet online, michael kors, nike tn, hogan outlet, nike roshe run uk, lululemon canada, ray ban uk, true religion outlet, ray ban pas cher, nike air force, coach outlet, true religion jeans, hollister pas cher, polo lacoste, coach outlet store online, burberry handbags, sac vanessa bruno, michael kors outlet online, timberland pas cher, michael kors, nike air max uk, north face uk, replica handbags

7:34 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

north face outlet, gucci, jimmy choo outlet, celine handbags, longchamp uk, nike air max, hermes belt, lululemon, herve leger, bottega veneta, reebok outlet, nike roshe run, vans, iphone cases, nfl jerseys, soccer shoes, mac cosmetics, mcm handbags, timberland boots, ferragamo shoes, oakley, mont blanc pens, babyliss, converse, nike huaraches, wedding dresses, asics running shoes, soccer jerseys, p90x workout, beats by dre, hollister, chi flat iron, ghd hair, instyler, baseball bats, converse outlet, ray ban, valentino shoes, nike trainers uk, hollister, nike air max, new balance shoes, north face outlet, hollister clothing, abercrombie and fitch, vans outlet, ralph lauren, giuseppe zanotti outlet, louboutin, insanity workout

7:36 AM  
Blogger oakleyses said...

thomas sabo, replica watches, moncler uk, hollister, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, barbour, canada goose jackets, swarovski, moncler outlet, canada goose, coach outlet, swarovski crystal, canada goose outlet, barbour uk, supra shoes, moncler, lancel, links of london, canada goose outlet, moncler, karen millen uk, moncler, louis vuitton, doudoune moncler, ugg uk, canada goose outlet, moncler outlet, louis vuitton, ugg, louis vuitton, canada goose, pandora jewelry, moncler, toms shoes, ugg pas cher, marc jacobs, louis vuitton, montre pas cher, wedding dresses, canada goose, pandora jewelry, louis vuitton, juicy couture outlet, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia, canada goose uk, juicy couture outlet, pandora uk, pandora charms

7:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.ju.edu.jo/home.aspx

Jordan University

[url]http://www.ju.edu.jo[/url]

7:30 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home