Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Lepers and Heads

My girlfriend left me. I was very sad and felt a little bit destitute. There were things I wanted to do to her that I never got round to doing to her.

Luckily for me, she died soon after she left. She fell in front of a train. For a brief moment I was very sad. But I quickly cheered up when I realised it meant she could never be with anybody else.

My ex-girlfriend once took a walk in the park and I secretly followed her. I watched her as she stroked a dog, as she skipped over the little humpback bridge, as she bought an ice-cream from the ice-cream van, as she picked daisies and made a daisy chain, as she smoked a cigarette, as she had sex with a stranger in the bushes. Later, when she returned home, I asked her why she did what she did. She said she did it because, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t give up smoking.

My ex-girlfriend was always whining about this, moaning about that. I used to tell her to shut up but she never shut up. So I locked her in the cellar. The acoustics down there made her whining and moaning sing out even louder. So I covered the walls with egg boxes and sofa foam. And wired her big mouth shut with a couple of coat hangers.

My ex-girlfriend’s mother told me she thought I treated her daughter very badly. How do you mean? I asked. Well, she said, look how you’ve nailed her feet to the kitchen floor - they’re all askew.

My ex-girlfriend told her friends that I was a fantasist with a morbid fixation on death and torture. She told them that I beat her every day with a red hot poker. She showed them the bruises and the burn marks. But whenever they came round to see her I was always extremely charming. So charming, in fact, that they came to believe that it was my ex-girlfriend who was the fantasist with the morbid fixation on death and torture.

My ex-girlfriend was one of those pagan white witches. When they came to take her away I pleaded her innocence. So they threw her in the pond and watched her drown. After they left I dragged her out with a curtain pole. What they didn’t know was that she was extremely good at holding her breath.

My ex-girlfriend loved puppies and flowers and chocolates and clothes and perfume. So I kept them from her. Instead I gave her kittens, weeds and carrots. And then made her walk around naked while I sprayed her with liquid feculence.

My ex-girlfriend claimed she was a very spiritual person. How’s that? I asked. Because I listen to the wind, dance to the music in my mind, feel the energy of others and know I am an integral part of the great cycle of the universal destiny where one day my soul will transcend my mortal frame and ascend to a higher plane where, at last, I will complete myself by bathing in the cosmic water of life. Come again, I said, I didn’t quite catch that.

My ex-girlfriend was always accusing me of being a misogynist. I told her that the fact of her being a woman made no difference to the way I treated her. Even if she were a man - my gay male lover - I would still treat her like my slave, like my whore, like my mother.

My ex-girlfriend told me that, although she didn’t condone the actions of suicide bombers, she sort of understood why they did it. After I punched her in the face I asked her to sort of understand why I did it.


Anonymous The ex-girlfriend said...

I think you put this on the wrong blog, Paul. It's rightful place is under 'non-fictions'. I should know.

8:48 AM  
Anonymous Hannah Pan said...

This one has a Dan Rhodes-to-the-extreme feel about it. Which is lucky, because it means you can get away with it. Gruesome, but with humour. Particularly the conspiratory mother and friends.

8:51 AM  
Blogger Molly Bloom said...

In my current mood, I'd quite like to seriously beat a few women too. Have you got any spare coat-hangers?

Very dry and full of humour, especially the 'come again' part. Heh, heh.

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