Monday, May 15, 2006

Grafted To The Inadequate

After a long break from harping it became apparent that Moncrieff was reasonably unrepentant when it came to the thorny question of his controversial tuna breaks. Like scattershot and bulletholes, he was forever dogged by the butt-numbingly familiar accusations associated with his creation of, and liking for, these vast and fishy escapes. His fans, however, were as loyal and as steadfast as the tuna he curated and, for them, Moncrieff was nothing less than a lone bright star in an endless wallow of dirt brown shit. Shine on Moncrieff! they implored, Shine on some more!

But a pattern emerged, as patterns often do, and soon, much to Moncrieff’s great relief, tuna breaks became the very thing that the very people wanted to do. The tide, so to speak, began very much to turn. And in no time at all – or rather, over a period of around three years – tuna breaks became as popular as tuna breaks were ever likely to become. In fact, that crest of popularity, at its highest level, lasted a good six years which, when you consider what tuna breaks actually are, wasn’t too bad at all.

Your Essential Guide to Tuna Breaks

Cold Comforts.
Set in the frosty morn of winter hills and valleys, through half frozen streams and battlements, you and your companions will spend a thorough and enjoyable experience experiencing the very best of all there is to experience in the wintry gasps and sunny delights of tuna carping.

Fish Feasts.
Through highways and byways, pole in hand, bags full of feed and noxious gases, the tuna, though half-frozen and perpetually spooked, will lay themselves open to all of your man-made charms so that you and your companions can regale yourselves on the delights of water-based and edifying fishy treats.

Tinned Dreams.
You can only go so far through your gargantuan break before falling prey to the desire to get out there and can it all up yourself, becoming a part of a process that, dating back many years, months and weeks, has kept all manner of goodly saintly dark-skinned and different-looking types in social plunder.

Dolphin Dents.
When the tuna comes so the dolphin comes and it’s the easiest thing in the world to catch one of these beautiful and intelligent creatures in your big net and bash it repeatedly about the body and face until it admits to the fact that, in terms of intelligence, there’s a massive drop-off between you and it.

Fanciful Fish.
According to the Legends of the Lochs there is no such thing as fanciful fish such as sea monsters, giant octopi and yellow snapping piranhas and submarines, despite all the evidence collated from the log books and photographs left behind by various sea captains and Long John Silvers and other sundry peg legs.

Swimming Backwards.
Like the venerated tuna you too will have the opportunity to swim upstream and against the tide in order to reach the place where your biological motivations and tickings have been telling you to go since the day you were born even though, in your heart of hearts, you know that this relates to salmon, and not to tuna.

Reel Life.
And finally, the whole experience can be topped off with a stare into the abyss and the realisation that in very real terms the tuna you have spent so long chasing downstream and up dale will always hate you, no matter how well you treat it, no matter how long you stroke it, no matter how nicely you poke it.


Blogger Molly Bloom said...

I really like this. Especially the 'reel life' part. The beginning is like rushing waterwords. Very interesting.

9:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I say briefly: Best! Useful information. Good job guys.

12:50 AM  

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